J starts animal camp tomorrow. I always go back and forth in my mind about these things... Should I show up early and sort of pave the way for him and the instructors, or just show up like everyone else, all the "normal" kids? He says he doesn't want interpreters... he really does, of course, during those moments when he wants to know where the instructor is saying to look for eastern box turtles... I got him interpreters. :) He even hesitantly wears his hearing aids! Ha! He says he wants to just talk, but we all need to sign. But, wait, you don't want interpreters... silly boy! I mostly, really, really hope the other kids don't treat him differently. J loves animals, and this camp has been the most talked about highlight of a summer yet. At almost 8, he's noticing that he's different, and that most people don't sign. This is one of the only parts of having Deaf kids that hurts my heart, and makes me wish they could hear. I suppose, however, if if it wasn't Deafness they were made fun of for, it would always be something else. All of us have something... and, we're all that much stronger after we learn to overcome it. On to camp, J!!

Just in case you needed another reason to sign with your D/HH kiddos... We got a boat! (Finally, my husband would say after 8+ years of waiting and searching, and waiting and searching...) Sign language is the obvious choice for those of us who can't hear without our hearing devices that can't get wet, and hence, don't go on the boat, but it's also great for communicating over the roar of the engine, wind, water, and/or stereo. Another point for ASL! :)

Oh, and by the way, L did flush a hearing aid down the toilet 2 days ago... Ugh ***head - desk***

Differences

I'm asked a few times a year aobut the differences in raising Deaf and Hearing children. I usually say something like, "Oh, it's pretty much the same", or "there's not much that's different". Sometimes I say something about "if I was already fluent in ASL, it would be exactly the same". That's not entirely true. While it would have been so much easier if I had known sign from the get-go, and had for whatever reason decided to raise all of my kids bilingually in English and sign, I was born and raised Hearing. That's different no matter which way you try and turn it. Deaf is a new culture and a new language, it's a little scary to me sometimes because my first and natural language and tendency is for sound and hearing. I'm learning to be more visual, and to understand that that's the primary way my kids are taking in the world. That said, it terrified me when L was 2 1/2 and she decided to crawl in a stuffed animal box in her closet for her nap. Long story short, we found her about 45 minutes after we didn't find her in bed where we had put her. The police and a search team got involved after we called 911 thinking she had left the house, wandered off, or worse... I kept telling them "she's deaf, and she's not wearing her hearing aids. You could be 10 feet away yelling for her and she wouldn't hear you!" Day to day, this lack of hearing has just been something to get used to. Our house has long since adjusted to finding a kid, or banging on a wall (lol) to get their attention when they're upstairs. We regularly wave a hand, stomp a foot, tap the table, etc before we sign/say something. So, it's a difference in mannerisms and culture that we've mostly had to adjust to. Oh, and learn a new language as adults. :) Recently, J (age 7 1/2) has had a few friends down the street come play. They come play a lot now. He asked to go to their house a few weeks ago. By himself... I know he should be able to walk or ride his bike a few houses down, but I don't want to let him. My mind goes all these places that make me hesitate, or walk with him. I know all parents feel like that when their kids do all these first independent things, but I feel like I go a step further. J doesn't know how to make a phone call, and if he did, he wouldn't be able to effectively hear me. People don't always understand his speech, and he doesn't have a good enough grasp of English for some one new to understand what he's trying to say. I know he'd probably be fine, but his communication delays, even still, give me pause. Maybe I'd feel differently if he was hearing, or if we had learned he was deaf sooner and he wasn't still trying to catch up. The other differences for a Hearing parent raising Deaf children are mostly to do with Hearing Aids, audiology appts, etc. Parents of hearing kids don't have to worry about babies chewing on their hearing aids, toddlers flushing them down the toilet, hearing aids getting wet in the rain, from sweat, an unexpected jump in the pool, etc. We see our audiologist more than some of our friends between the 3 kiddos' appts. :) The differences have been a whole new world opened to us. A new group of people I would have never gotten to know, which has led to some really good friends, and a best friend for me. Appreciation for a different perspective, a different history, a different reality. But, still... we're all the same, kids are kids. J likes to read, play outside, anything outside for that matter, loves reptiles and amphibians, loves his dog, asks his Dad to take him fishing, gets in trouble, jumps on his bed, and he happens to not hear very well. L loves dolls and pretend play, Rapunzel and Strawberry short cake, her favorite friend H, getting dressed and changing her clothes, giggling with her sister, playing outside, and she needs you to communicate visually because her ears don't work very well. R plays most with his animal toys and blocks, he likes to swing for a few minutes, but then wants down because he likes to move, he's sooo busy, if he can, he'll crawl up the stairs, dump dirst out of potted plants, empty the kitchen cabinets, chew on his hearing aids, etc, and his first words have been signs, because that comes more naturally to him because he can't hear speech. What are your kids like?

Sometimes, I get this nagging voice in my head that the reason those kids down the street don't come to play with J anymore is because he's different, he's Deaf. They were fine until their parents met J... Sometimes I want to make an announcement at the grocery store: "Stop staring at us; yes, my baby has hearing aids; don't tell me you're sorry; don't stop talking to my son after he starts talking and you don't understand his speech or see him signing, he asked you a question; we, they, are just like YOU!" Sometimes, it's really hard to get things done and sign at the same time, like when I'm carrying stuff and trying to have a conversation with L. Sometimes, I wish I could just be fluent in ASL today! Why didn't I learm this earlier when it was just a fun thing for a high school girl to learn?? Too bad I couldn't have seen the future! Sometimes, I think about my life 10 years ago, and that if you had told me I would have 4 children, and 3 would have significant hearing loss, I'd tell you you were nuts. Sometimes, I see a purpose for myself. The divide between Deaf and Hearing is way too wide sometimes. Sometimes, I am overwhelmed with gratitude, and how much I love my children, and my husband... all the time~

Can I just say again how thankful I am for our D/HH program? L has been going to school now twice a week wince Christmas, and she's doing wonderfully! I ask her every Tuesday and Thursday morning if she wants to go to school today; every time she responds by excitedly signing all of her teachers' names and that she's going to go play at school, and that she needs to get dressed, get in the car, and the car will go up the driveway and down the street(using the classifier for vehicles and her own sound effects!)! :) We learn more and more about other programs for Deaf children, especially those in public schools, and how much they lack, either in funds, personnel, or otherwise... People really still think that Deaf people and Deaf children won't progress as far as a Hearing person?? Or that ASL doesn't have merit as a real language?? I can't begin to tell you how inflamed that makes me... However, we have apparently lucked out, and we have a whole team of fabulous people who not only care about our children, but push them to excel everyday. Yay!!

Spring!

Whew, Spring is always such a busy time in our house. (Hence, my lack of blog posts - it's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!)

Lots of new experiences, and opportunities for new vocabulary/signs! A few of the highlights: U-pick strawberry farm, our chicks hatched, planting in the garden, many festivals and seasonal events ,...

R's new favorite thing is to crawl ALL over the yard and anywhere else we go. We're at that stage, 12-18 months old, of constant movement. By the end of Spring, he should definitely know "grass", "dirty", "bug", "stay here", and "bath"! Haha! :)

Sear these days into my memory!

L and I were reading some books last night in her bed. She was a little distracted until she moved a blanket and saw... her baby doll! She made her excited face. "Mommy, wook-it!" Then, she looked baby straight in the eyes, and signed and pointed out all the things on each page that she was looking at. Then, she asked baby if she wanted some milk (in ASL complete with facial expression as only a 3 year old can do), and lifted her shirt and put her baby to her little chest to "nurse"! After another page or two, she began showing baby more things from her book.

Boy, has she been paying attention! Haha!

Woo-hoo!

R is signing!!! (He'll be 10 months on November 30.) We've seen "eat", "more", and maybe "finish" and "butterfly". I know "butterfly" sounds unlikely, but we have butterflies hanging above the changing table, so it's a sign he's seen pretty much every day, and it was L's first sign too! So exciting! Here we go!!

And, L starts school with J's D/HH teacher, interpreters, and speech therapist in January. Just moving right along in our house!

Perfect Sequence

Sometimes things occur in perfect sequence. I recently read an article called "Music to Her Ears" in Parenting magazine that upset me with its bias toward and misrepresentation of cochlear implants. I've been working on a response letter to the magazine. I've had a difficult time organizing my thoughts - the topic of raising deaf kids is a sensitive one for me! :)

So, after a few weeks of reorganizing and rewriting my thoughts, I came across this blog post by Rachel Coleman. Everything I read by her makes me a bigger fan of hers. Please enjoy this and consider its message!


My Two Cents: Cochlear Implants
Dated: 7 Sep 2011Posted by Rachel ColemanCategory: Crazy Little Thing Called Life, My Two Cents19 CommentsI used to feel sorry for children who had cochlear implants. I did.

When I saw them it broke my heart because I really believed that their parents just didn’t understand deafness. I judged those parents. I assumed that the parents were looking for a quick fix to something that in my opinion didn’t require fixing. I said things like, “I would never do THAT to my child.” Aaron and I talked about giving Leah choices and we decided that she could choose to have an implant when she was age 18.

We think that Leah was born profoundly deaf. We didn’t discover her deafness until she was 14 months old. When her deafness was diagnosed we immediately started signing with her. It seemed the obvious choice, I mean, she was deaf. We never bought into the old wive’s tale that signing would delay our child’s speech. Many people warned us that Leah might never learn talk if we signed with her. I always laughed and said, “She’s deaf, she might never learn to talk anyway!” My concern wasn’t for my child’s ability to say words. I wanted much more than that! I wanted full connection and communication with my daughter. I wanted her to be a critical thinker.

When Leah was seven she was no longer using hearing aids, because, as she put it, “They don’t work! They don’t help me, they just make my ears itch.” She had gone without amplification for a few years and then, at age seven, my daughter asked for a cochlear implant.

Let’s just say there were a few things I had to get over… oh, like realizing that some people out there might judge me, just as I had been so judgmental of others. (Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Don’t you hate that one?)

Leah has now been implanted for seven years, the same amount of time she had gone without hearing a thing.

I have found that one of the BIGGEST misconceptions still floating around when it comes to choices in deafness is in thinking that sign language and cochlear implants are mutually exclusive. They are not. Actually it is our family’s experience that Leah’s success with her cochlear implant was because she was already fluent in American Sign Language* when she got her implant AND because we have continued to sign with her. We never stopped signing. (*She was also already fluent in written English by that time)

When someone receives a cochlear implant there is a period of adjustment as the recipient begins to understand the sounds of the world around them. It was invaluable to us to have a full language (American Sign Language) to communicate with Leah during this new learning period. We had full and complete communication as our child experienced the sometimes scary world of sound. Yes, our ENT told us to stop signing immediately after Leah’s implant surgery, which was baffling to me. “She just had major surgery and you want us to refuse to communicate with her through recovery? Her implant won’t be turned on for weeks and you want us to stop communicating with her?” To me that sounded like a form of child abuse. We never stopped signing with Leah and we never will stop.

Leah is a very successful implant recipient, we feel that these are a few of the factors that helped her to use it so successfully.
1. Leah chose to have an implant, it wasn’t something that was done to her. She was old enough to control the settings and she was old enough to ask to be “re-mapped” when she was ready for more sound. We viewed the implant as another tool to help Leah communicate, not the only tool.

2. Leah was already bilingual when she was implanted. She understood ASL and her written English was exceptional. She was reading beyond her grade level. With the addition of her cochlear implant she could simply focus on acquiring and improving her listening skills and pronunciation, because now she could actually hear some things. She wasn’t trying to learn English with her cochlear implant, thankfully she was already fluent in it and her focus was entirely on learning what English sounded like and how to make those sounds herself.

3. We always focused on our child’s strengths. Prior to her implant, we did not do private Speech Therapy. Why? Simple. Because Leah couldn’t hear:) We didn’t need her to learn how to say words in order to connect and communicate because we all learned to sign. Speech is a skill that your child has a lifetime to acquire.
Speech is not a language. Speech is one way to deliver a language.
English is a language, American Sign Language is a language, but speech… speech is a skill.

You want your deaf child to learn their first language before the age of 3 if possible. If they can’t hear, don’t waste your time and theirs trying to get them to learn a listened to, spoken language. Since Leah couldn’t hear English we didn’t try to get her to learn it through speaking. She learned it through reading and writing.
(If your child is deaf please read #3 until it makes sense. Do not get stuck with the thought that you “just want your child to talk.” Trust me, you don’t just want that. You want so much more for them!)

4. Language doesn’t delay language. The fear of signing is ridiculous and thinking that a child will not talk because they first signed is as preposterous as saying, “don’t let your child crawl or they will never learn to walk.” Babies crawl before they walk and they sign before they talk. If your child has the ability to deliver a spoken language, they will acquire that skill whether or not you sign with them. If they happen to have a speech delay or a disability that gets in the way of speaking, then thank heavens you are signing with them and giving them a way to be understood. If your child’s speech is delayed, it is not the signing that delays speech… it is something else entirely, because communication doesn’t delay communication.

Technology frequently changes and even fails. Cochlear implants can be rejected by the recipient. The implant may fail or simply never work at all. Batteries die and parts break. Programming can accidentally get erased. Sign language will never fail, the batteries will not die, you can use it while swimming, you never have to “turn it on” or struggle to locate it in the middle of the night. Sign language can get soaking wet and it’s always at your fingertips.

Leah will always be deaf. Her first language is American Sign Language. She has learned English as a second language through reading and writing. With her cochlear implant, Leah has learned how to pronounce words and to understand English when it is spoken to her. She is a child who has it all.

If you are considering implanting your deaf child, my recommendation is this – do not put all of your eggs in one basket. Give your child EVERY opportunity to communicate. Give them many tools! Cochlear implants do not work for all children, implants are not always successful and should not be portrayed as a “cure” for deafness. Similarly, hearing aids do not work for all children, they are not always successful and should not be portrayed as a “cure” for deafness. You might want to consider that deafness doesn’t need a cure.

Leah recently saw her ENT, the same one who had asked us to stop signing with her seven years ago. He asked her this time if she would like to implant her other ear, since she only has one ear implanted. She looked at him and said, “Tell me what you think that would really do for me?” He smiled and said, “actually not much, you do so well. Leah, I think you should save your other ear for the future. There are some exciting medical advancements that you will see in your lifetime.”

My two cents: Sign language should be the first choice for a deaf child, no matter what additional options you pursue.

Authenticate your children - ALL of them

"If parents are not able to accept the fact that their child is deaf and continue to deny the implications of the deafness, the resulting effects on the child are to encourage his own denial and lack of authenticity. Such a child is thus unable to accept himself and his capacity to emerge or become a unique person is blocked. He lives an existential lie and becomes unable to relate to himself and to other deaf individuals and to the world in a genuine manner."

the possibility of another hummingbird

So, R still hasn't been able to pass a hearing test because he has persistent fluid in both ears. He's 3 months old now, and considering our family's history of 2 deaf children, we need to get his hearing tested. We've waited and tried a round of antibiotics, with no success. The next step is a myringotomy and tube placement, and get his ABR done while he's already sedated.

It's been a hard decision to have tubes put in our child's ears. I've been generally and ignorantly opposed to tubes, and of course, am not thrilled about little R having to be heavily sedated for the procedure. However, I do know that persistent fluid creates a hearing loss whether he has sensorineural loss or not, and the fluid itself can even cause problems if it stays too long. Luckily, R hasn't had any infections that we know of, the fluid is just hanging out in his ears.

So, now that the date is set for his ABR, we face the information that will bring. I've sort of avoided the thought of him being deaf, too. Being hearing ourselves, we want him to hear, but having 2 deaf children already certainly softens the blow. Learning that J was deaf was the hardest by far. We got blasted into a while new world, culture, learning style/teaching techniques, language, etc. It was scary! L was easier, and now, I think R will be about the same if we find out he's deaf.

I guess we'll know by the end of this month!!

little reminders

Today I saw some one we haven't seen in a few years... always nice to say hi to an old friend. What I am sitting here in my house thinking about now, though, are her comments about J. Wow! He's come a long way in a few years, and he surprised her with his progress! I'm smiling :)

PLATEAU

So, we've been learning ASL for over 3 years now, really studying it for 2 of those. Can I just say again how big of a signing advocate I am? Sign with your deaf kids!!!! Hearing parents, I am talking to you. It's a challenge to learn a new language as an adult, especially one that isn't spoken and comes with the added pressure of your kids learning it faster than you are. The benefits for your child are so worth it, though... first, the obvious, more language means better communication. We're bilingual! You can read for yourself all the benefits of being bilingual.

But beyond those obvious benefits, think of all the emotional and relational problems fixed with communication. Again, you can read all about the issues isolated children face. I couldn't bear to think one of my children felt isolated in his/her own home. Limited langauge only further isolates a child who already knows he/she can't hear while everyone else around him/her can. It's turned out to be a blessing that we have 2 deaf children - they have each other. It's not so bad to wear your hearing aids when you're not the only one putting them on every day. Signing isn't weird when everyone in the family does it all the time.

All that said, we're quickly hitting a plateau. Signing classes at J's school have ended, and our signing education is largely left to us now. D and I have decided to study together once a week in addition to our every day practice, and quick consulting for this or that sign. D also recently got the iphone. We're definitely not a "techy" family, but every once in awhile, one of these new devices grabs our attention. D added some ASL apps to his phone, and it is so convenient to learn a few new sings while you have a few minutes to play on the phone.

We have to keep pushing now to become truly fluent. I know enough signing to get by, especially with my kids. It's too easy to become complacent at this level. A big wake-up call, though is when I try to keep up with a conversation between fluent signers. It becomes pretty obvious how patient these signers are with me!! This is the limited communication I mentioned above, except the tables are turned. Me, the English speaking hearing person is limited, and the fluent signers have to dull down their message, use simpler signing, sign slower, repeat, fingerspell more, etc. If I don't keep working on my signing skills, it will soon be my kids who have to dull down to communicate with Mom.

Yes, they know English. Yes, we can communicate effectively with English. We as parents do so many things to make life warm and comfortable for our children. D and I feel that using the languages they are most comfortable with is one of those things. If you don't think it's true that people with hearing loss prefer visual input, you should spend a day in my house! You can see the differences in the way they observe and handle new situations, even as babies.

We have a chance to be a part of another culture, we need to do it with the same enthusiam a person would learn Italian before moving to Italy! We have a chance to use 2 languages to describe our life experiences. Why wouldn't we take full advantage of this chance?

Woo-hoo!

A few extra things to celebrate this Holiday season:

J had his annual IEP team meeting last month. He did the language testing again that we've used to track his progress since he was 3 years old. He made 2+ years of progress during the last calendar year, and is performing very well in his mainstream Kindergarten classroom this year! Yay!

L continues to score in the low-normal range on her language tests, but fell a little bahind in speech skills. We've been monitoring this, and expected it, so were not disappointed to learn the news. However, a good thing, her lower scores finally qualified her for speech through the state program. She is only doing 2 30 minute segments twice a month, but every little bit helps. She also seems to have decided on her own to start talking anyway, and now makes attempts to imitate me a few times a week. Her vocabulary list is growing steadily now - signing is still much faster than speech, but growth at all in the speech column is an improvement!

A funny side-note: The Christmas season is in full swing at our house, including Christmas music all day, every day. J hears the sleigh bells, or the fun tunes of children's Christmas carols, and asks me to sign what they're singing. This is seriously challenging my limited ASL vocabulary, and speed at which I can interpret! I bet it's pretty funny to sit next to me at a stop light and see this crazy mom signing into the rearview mirror and bouncing around in my seat to a Christmas song!

A growing vocabulary!

It is amazing every day to watch your babies grow and learn. It has been exceptionally amazing and interesting for me, a hearing person, to watch my deaf babies learn. I am astounded at how much they take in with their bright little eyes, and how all of that information comes out later in the form of signs, gestures, and eventually sounds.

L is at that 18 month old, language explosion period. She has a vocabulary of 16 words, and I'm sure there are more we don't understand yet. She speaks 2 words. So, let me clarify, she signs 16+ words... and she's imitating and using more literally every day. I remember when M was at this stage. She said new words pretty frequently, but nothing like the speed with which L is using new signs. She'll sit at the dinner table and copy 4 or 5 new signs as I tell her what she's eating for dinner or what J and M are saying.

So, we'll keep laying this foundation, she'll understand more, we'll be able to tell her more, earlier. and eventually, she'll use her hearing aids to learn how to say all these things she's telling us about now with her hands! :)

Why I am sold on ASL!

We tried it, Auditory Verbal therapy...

I'm sure it works for some families, why else would it have gained so many devout followers. It's just not for my family.

Imagine a three year old strapped in a chair for 45 minutes hearing the same word(s) over and over until he uttered some sort of sound in the desired response time. I watched as J got more and more frustrated with his therapy and the required homework. I saw him use signs with his therapist, and she reacted as if he hadn't communicated anything. I watched Jake slowly begin to repeat sounds he thought he was hearing, most completely wrong, that he heard over and over. Key word... slowly.

Fast forward to the deaf/hard of hearing program through the public school system. J gets to play and learn in a normal classroom setting, just with a focus on language, both signed and spoken. He made 3 year's progress in one calendar year on one of the preschool language tests his progress is measured with. He loved school then, and still loves it. He learns new vocabulary almost daily, his articulation is improving, his social skills are at age level now, and he's learning appropriate behavior and language to express himself. What a difference! I'm convinced that had we continued A-VT, we'd still be sitting in a chair fighting with him to say that week's targeted phrase.

We've also been instructed to work as hard as we can against the natural tendency for deaf kids' brains to develop very large visual areas. Deaf kids/people are visually oriented, why fight with that? They need that strength to make up for what their ears don't pick up. I actually feel like I would be doing them a disservice, robbing them of a strength they need. They aren't hearing, and no amount of therapy will change that. They'll still struggle with what we hearing people don't even have to think twice about. Give them the visual strength and they can compensate.

As for the theory that signing interferes with spoken language, there is plenty of evidence out there to suggest otherwise. And, most importantly, the opposite has proven true in our house. J learns a groupd of new signs, and about a month later, begins using the words appropriately, and vise wersa. As the studies of bilingual children has shown, one language boosts the other, and the children learn to differentiate the two as they become increasingly fluent in each. ASL is just another language. I doubt anyone would object if we were teaching our children English and french from birth, so why not English and ASL?

Aside from all of the great benefits of being bilingual, signing is a necessity for us. There was an immediate relief of tension in our home the year we started learning sign language. Bath time, bedtime, pool days, and any days we couldn't or didn't use J's hearing aids were so much easier! What a relief to communicate - such a simple, taken-for-granted thing! These times alone would convince me to learn at least enough singing to "get by". Furthermore, there's no guarantee their hearing loss won't progress to total deafness one day. Where would we be then if we haven't learned any sign language??!

"As an educational interpreter and a family member of deaf people, I have seen that when a parent finds out their child is deaf, they are shocked and dumbfounded. They do not know what to do. Then the first person they come into contact with is usually a doctor. The doctor is well meaning, but only looks at the child as a medical model. This means the child has a problem that needs to be fixed. The parents want a child like themselves. They have had no experience with the deaf community." --


I came across this post as I was exploring my google search, "deaf kids with hearing parents" the other day. This pretty much sums up our experience with our deaf children. People who have no contact with the Deaf community, or even experience with deaf people at all want to "fix" and make the kids as "normal" as possible, i.e. getting hearing aids and cochear implants, intense speech therapy, no signing, or signing only temporarily as a bridge. Our doctors and certain professionals definitely communicated to us that the best treatment possible for deaf people was fixing their hearing, i.e. cochlear implants and auditory verbal therapy in our case.

While I can't deny that I was excited when we first found out that both of our children's hearing is within or close to "normal" limits on their audiograms, I have since learned that there is another way. We now have deaf friends who have taught me how they've adapted in a hearing world, and everything that our children will have access to even without the benefit of their hearing aids. I think back, and am so thankful to have come across the people we did, both deaf and hearing, who have shaped our communication and education approaches with our children. The clarity I have now is in such contrast to how unsure I was of which way to go and who to believe.

Which decision did we make that we are so sure of? We are trying to give our kids the best of both worlds. We are all learning ASL and as much about the Deaf community as possible. (A challenge considering we are hearing! Luckily, we've met some great people now.) We are also trying to maximize J and L's residual hearing and teach them to listen and speak as well as they can. As parents, our challenge is to stay ahead of J, who is 5 now, as he learns ASL at school, so that we can raise him and his sisters in a bilingual household. It seems to be working; L is 18 months and signs some words, while she speaks a few others. It just seems to me that one extreme or the other isn't good for people with some hearing, so I'm trying to help my kids capitalize on both their deafness and their hearing ability.



The rest of the article I found follows:


Why Don't Some Hearing Parents of Deaf Children Use Sign Language?
Some Parents Do Not (and Perhaps Will Not Ever) Use Sign Language
By Jamie Berke, About.com Guide
Updated April 26, 2009

About.com Health's Disease and Condition content is reviewed by our Medical Review Board

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Sometimes, hearing parents do not learn sign language to communicate with their deaf children, even when sign language is the child's primary means of communication. Or, if they do learn it, their mastering of it is minimal. These parents may have their reasons for not learning sign language or becoming fluent in it. However, the resulting communication gap has been known to harm both familial relations and academic progress of deaf children.
This scenario was even the theme of an out-of-print children's book, Dina, the Deaf Dinosaur. In Dina, forest animals discover a crying deaf dinosaur. She ran away from home because her parents did not want her to learn sign language.

A related question was posted to the About.com Deafness Forum:

"One thing I keep seeing repeated is the statement that "many parents won't learn sign language." Why would a parent refuse to learn sign language to communicate with their own deaf child if sign language is a primary means of communication for that child?" --About.com User
Several forum users responded, giving examples from their or others' experiences:

"I had a deaf friend. Her father tried to learn sign, her mother refused. My friend did not learn ASL until she was 14 and even then, the friend who taught her [how to sign] had to do so in secrecy. My friend grew up very angry and hostile. Some parents, like my friend's mom, may feel guilt for creating a flawed child and learning sign would reinforce the guilt." --skwish

"As an educational interpreter and a family member of deaf people, I have seen that when a parent finds out their child is deaf, they are shocked and dumbfounded. They do not know what to do. Then the first person they come into contact with is usually a doctor. The doctor is well meaning, but only looks at the child as a medical model. This means the child has a problem that needs to be fixed. The parents want a child like themselves. They have had no experience with the deaf community." -- eduterp00

"I am a deaf education teacher. We have 17 students. Out of all those parents, none are deaf and only one family signs. The family that signs [belongs to] our only student that is on grade level in all subjects. We have a teacher that works with the family. We offer free sign classes year round. We send home sign dictionaries and signs for words that the students use in class. Still, the parents continue to ignore our pleas to learn how to communicate with their children. It breaks my heart [to hear] some of the things parents have asked me to do, such as "explain to my daughter why she started bleeding last night." --9nyfan

"There could be several reasons for hearing parents of deaf kids not learning ASL. One is that they just don't get it that deafness is not just the physical inability to hear, but that it involves a communication problem as well. Most hearing parents don't have any experience with deafness, and many in the medical field tell them to try to 'fix' their child. Another reason could be that they don't see learning ASL as a need-to-do thing. They work too many hours to devote time to learning, or they just flat out don't want to learn. Another reason could be that they are embarrassed to use signs in public. Perhaps the hearing parents think they can't learn ASL. The truth is that they can. They don't have to be interpreters, just learn ASL for communication purposes. "--flyinghands

"When I worked as an interpreter for the deaf and hard of hearing, I would hear that it was hard enough having a deaf child, do we have to learn sign also? Some think it's too hard to learn or [they are] just too busy. " --dragonkpr

"When my son lost his hearing, the first thing I thought was, how am I going to finish potty training him if we can't communicate? I took sign language classes as soon as I could. I soon found out that there are a lot of parents who don't learn sign language. I just can't imagine not being able to communicate life to my son. If you can't communicate with your child, how can you parent to the best of your ability. My son had a friend in school whose parent hasn't learned sign language. She was always saying that she needed to learn sign language, but never did. She always told me that her son was having discipline problems at home. I told her frankly that if she didn't learn sign language, she was going to lose her son." --signmom98

"I have seen deaf children who are needlessly lacking a language. Children who come into the school system with no communication skills, no basic understanding of life around them. Many not even able to answer a simple yes or no question, or know the names of their parents or siblings. The parent's excuse for their lack of language or communication? The top reasons given are usually, 'Oh, he/she understands us at home,' 'He/she can hear more than he lets on,' 'We really want him/her to learn to talk,' 'Our doctor/audiologist/SLP told us not to,' 'It's hard to learn sign language,' 'I don't have time to take any classes,' the list goes on and on. Then the parents lament about how their child is so far behind and blame the deafness - or the professionals working with them, never what they themselves are or aren't doing!" -- codacat

"Growing up, my best friend had a progressive hearing loss and wanted to learn sign language. Her parents wouldn't hear of it! They were too embarrassed and told her she could hear 'well enough' and needed to speak, and that sign language would only cause her to weaken her vocal skills. Together we began sign classes on the sly. Of course, we eventually got caught and she was so severely punished that she never learned another sign. Ironically, I continued studying and became an interpreter." - About.com User

"I have seen several deaf families where the deaf person is the only one in the household that knows sign language. In all cases but one, there is just a general lack of communication and there are very few attempts at actual communication. When asked why ASL was not learned, the replies are the same: They always meant to learn and wanted to learn ASL but never did. In one case, I witnessed something amazing. The family claims that they 'don't need' sign language to communicate, but can't ask the deaf person how their day was." -- About.com User

Then and Now

Just a hearing mom raising 3 children, 2 of which are deaf. J, 5 1/2 years old, is deaf, M, 3 1/2 years old, is hearing, and L, 18 months old, is deaf.

When we found out our son was deaf, we felt thrown into a new world, the Deaf World, and had no idea what to do, which way to go, who to follow. I'm hoping this blog can reach and help even one parent who finds themselves in that position.

J's story in a nutshell:

J was born in 2004, passed his newborn hearing screening along with all the other prenatal and newborn tests we took. We were rolling along, he, his daddy, and I... J was a happy, "easy" baby, a good sleeper, played well by himself, smiled at us, and said his first word (mama) at about 9 months. His vocabulary slowly increased, by 15 months, his babbling included 5 or 6 different consonant and vowel sounds. No signs to indicate any delays...

At his 18 month health check, I mentioned his lack of new sounds since he had said those first few. He hadn't produced any more words either. The doctor told us he was still well within "normal" developmental timetables, and that furthermore, boys sometimes jsut take their time talking. We waited, and waited, and talked to him and read to him every day. The same scenario played out at his 2 year health check.

At his 3 year appointment, we demanded they do a hearing test. He failed in both ears, we were referred to an ENT and audiologist, and they rest has been our journey navigating the new world of Deaf.

Our 2nd daughter, L, failed her newborn hearing screening, and started seeing J's audiologist right away. She's had hearing aids since she was 4 months old, and has learned ASL and English since birth.

So many emotions are involved when you as a hearing parent find out your children are deaf. You have this image of how your children and your life will be and for those of us who have been limited to a hearing community, it includes hearing babies. The loss of that is real, and the adjustment is hard and confusing. We found that the hardest struggle wasn't learning to communicate with our children and come to grips with their deafness, but navigating all of the "expert" advice and schools of thought on how deaf children should be raised and educated. We were supposed to commit to a method of communication, and should we choose the wrong one, we would have wasted even more of those precious early childhood language acquiring years. And, we had the guilt of not insisting on finding Jake's diagnosis sooner than we did. There's also the pressure from family and friends about the choices we were and weren't making. And, what's becoming increasingly apparent is the ignorance of the general public about deafness - the pitying looks and comments get old.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years...

We are confident in our choices of education and communication, we have a few deaf friends, and we are on our way to being fluent in ASL. More importantly, my eyes have been opened to a whole world that I never knew was here. Of course, I knew deaf people were around, but I had no idea what their daily struggles and triumphs were. Now, I am determined to make the hearing world a more deaf-friendly place. I am learning more and more that huge strides have been made in the last few decades for the Deaf Community, but there's still a long way to go. After all, "Deaf people can do everything hearing people can do but hear".