Differences

I'm asked a few times a year aobut the differences in raising Deaf and Hearing children. I usually say something like, "Oh, it's pretty much the same", or "there's not much that's different". Sometimes I say something about "if I was already fluent in ASL, it would be exactly the same". That's not entirely true. While it would have been so much easier if I had known sign from the get-go, and had for whatever reason decided to raise all of my kids bilingually in English and sign, I was born and raised Hearing. That's different no matter which way you try and turn it. Deaf is a new culture and a new language, it's a little scary to me sometimes because my first and natural language and tendency is for sound and hearing. I'm learning to be more visual, and to understand that that's the primary way my kids are taking in the world. That said, it terrified me when L was 2 1/2 and she decided to crawl in a stuffed animal box in her closet for her nap. Long story short, we found her about 45 minutes after we didn't find her in bed where we had put her. The police and a search team got involved after we called 911 thinking she had left the house, wandered off, or worse... I kept telling them "she's deaf, and she's not wearing her hearing aids. You could be 10 feet away yelling for her and she wouldn't hear you!" Day to day, this lack of hearing has just been something to get used to. Our house has long since adjusted to finding a kid, or banging on a wall (lol) to get their attention when they're upstairs. We regularly wave a hand, stomp a foot, tap the table, etc before we sign/say something. So, it's a difference in mannerisms and culture that we've mostly had to adjust to. Oh, and learn a new language as adults. :) Recently, J (age 7 1/2) has had a few friends down the street come play. They come play a lot now. He asked to go to their house a few weeks ago. By himself... I know he should be able to walk or ride his bike a few houses down, but I don't want to let him. My mind goes all these places that make me hesitate, or walk with him. I know all parents feel like that when their kids do all these first independent things, but I feel like I go a step further. J doesn't know how to make a phone call, and if he did, he wouldn't be able to effectively hear me. People don't always understand his speech, and he doesn't have a good enough grasp of English for some one new to understand what he's trying to say. I know he'd probably be fine, but his communication delays, even still, give me pause. Maybe I'd feel differently if he was hearing, or if we had learned he was deaf sooner and he wasn't still trying to catch up. The other differences for a Hearing parent raising Deaf children are mostly to do with Hearing Aids, audiology appts, etc. Parents of hearing kids don't have to worry about babies chewing on their hearing aids, toddlers flushing them down the toilet, hearing aids getting wet in the rain, from sweat, an unexpected jump in the pool, etc. We see our audiologist more than some of our friends between the 3 kiddos' appts. :) The differences have been a whole new world opened to us. A new group of people I would have never gotten to know, which has led to some really good friends, and a best friend for me. Appreciation for a different perspective, a different history, a different reality. But, still... we're all the same, kids are kids. J likes to read, play outside, anything outside for that matter, loves reptiles and amphibians, loves his dog, asks his Dad to take him fishing, gets in trouble, jumps on his bed, and he happens to not hear very well. L loves dolls and pretend play, Rapunzel and Strawberry short cake, her favorite friend H, getting dressed and changing her clothes, giggling with her sister, playing outside, and she needs you to communicate visually because her ears don't work very well. R plays most with his animal toys and blocks, he likes to swing for a few minutes, but then wants down because he likes to move, he's sooo busy, if he can, he'll crawl up the stairs, dump dirst out of potted plants, empty the kitchen cabinets, chew on his hearing aids, etc, and his first words have been signs, because that comes more naturally to him because he can't hear speech. What are your kids like?

Then and Now

Just a hearing mom raising 3 children, 2 of which are deaf. J, 5 1/2 years old, is deaf, M, 3 1/2 years old, is hearing, and L, 18 months old, is deaf.

When we found out our son was deaf, we felt thrown into a new world, the Deaf World, and had no idea what to do, which way to go, who to follow. I'm hoping this blog can reach and help even one parent who finds themselves in that position.

J's story in a nutshell:

J was born in 2004, passed his newborn hearing screening along with all the other prenatal and newborn tests we took. We were rolling along, he, his daddy, and I... J was a happy, "easy" baby, a good sleeper, played well by himself, smiled at us, and said his first word (mama) at about 9 months. His vocabulary slowly increased, by 15 months, his babbling included 5 or 6 different consonant and vowel sounds. No signs to indicate any delays...

At his 18 month health check, I mentioned his lack of new sounds since he had said those first few. He hadn't produced any more words either. The doctor told us he was still well within "normal" developmental timetables, and that furthermore, boys sometimes jsut take their time talking. We waited, and waited, and talked to him and read to him every day. The same scenario played out at his 2 year health check.

At his 3 year appointment, we demanded they do a hearing test. He failed in both ears, we were referred to an ENT and audiologist, and they rest has been our journey navigating the new world of Deaf.

Our 2nd daughter, L, failed her newborn hearing screening, and started seeing J's audiologist right away. She's had hearing aids since she was 4 months old, and has learned ASL and English since birth.

So many emotions are involved when you as a hearing parent find out your children are deaf. You have this image of how your children and your life will be and for those of us who have been limited to a hearing community, it includes hearing babies. The loss of that is real, and the adjustment is hard and confusing. We found that the hardest struggle wasn't learning to communicate with our children and come to grips with their deafness, but navigating all of the "expert" advice and schools of thought on how deaf children should be raised and educated. We were supposed to commit to a method of communication, and should we choose the wrong one, we would have wasted even more of those precious early childhood language acquiring years. And, we had the guilt of not insisting on finding Jake's diagnosis sooner than we did. There's also the pressure from family and friends about the choices we were and weren't making. And, what's becoming increasingly apparent is the ignorance of the general public about deafness - the pitying looks and comments get old.

Fast forward 2 1/2 years...

We are confident in our choices of education and communication, we have a few deaf friends, and we are on our way to being fluent in ASL. More importantly, my eyes have been opened to a whole world that I never knew was here. Of course, I knew deaf people were around, but I had no idea what their daily struggles and triumphs were. Now, I am determined to make the hearing world a more deaf-friendly place. I am learning more and more that huge strides have been made in the last few decades for the Deaf Community, but there's still a long way to go. After all, "Deaf people can do everything hearing people can do but hear".